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Not-So Grown Ups

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Remember when Mary Kate and Ashley were cute? Yes, those were the good ol’ days… I recently found myself watching Holiday in the Sun (watch it if you want to see a prissy, preteen Megan Fox) on Netflix instant play one night when I was struck with insomnia. It occurred to me that these movies were clearly just documentaries of the twins’ vacations with a little plot shoved awkwardly in like raisins in banana bread.

Yes, the brilliant plots of the MK&A movies have been fabulous cinematic triumphs: “Let’s put our dad’s face on a billboard,” “Let’s stop a hilariously inept criminal from ruining our mom’s business,” and, the ever-present “You be the edgy one and I’ll be the pretty one, and let’s get into comical misadventures” sub-plot.

But why am I talking about these once great youthful wonderwomen? Because they knew when to quit.

Adam Sandler, Kevin James, Chris Rock and Rob Schneider clearly don’t. Perhaps they should take heed of the title of their newest film: Grown Ups. Do they think we want to see a comedy wrought with immature, slapstick comedy that we’re just so used to seeing from them?

Now, I’ve seen some really, really bad movies (The Love Guru and Year One, to name a couple), but I just can’t stomach the thought of going to see one that actually has some once great actors in it! Well… just one great actor—Adam Sandler. I was a huge fan of his until Don’t Mess with the Zohan—the first raindrop in a veritable downpour of career-ending movies to come—and now he does Grown Ups? Sigh.

Of course, I haven’t seen this movie so I can’t judge it too harshly, but from what I can tell, it’s a sad notch on these men’s respective career tally tables.

Written by Sally

July 28th, 2010 at 12:52 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

Salt: Just What Angelina Needs

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All right, you caught me– this title is a double entendre.

First, let’s take “Salt” to refer to the movie:

You know, Angelina Jolie is a great actress. I really do enjoy her movies. The thing is though, I’m tiring a little of her perpetual foray into the action movie scene. I mean, she’s no Michael Cera– she has more than one character– but I would love to see her shake it up a little more.  I swear, if I see her do one more “hot woman who looks maternal and innocent but is secretly really bad ass” film (ahem, Mr. and Mrs. Smith), I might just give up on her.

Apparently though, that’s exactly what she’s doing with acting– retiring. And if that rumor holds true, then I’m shocked that she chose Salt to be her final film. First of all, as I mentioned earlier, it’s nothing new. We’ve seen this side of her in everything from Lara Croft: Tomb Raider to The Fast and the Furious. We really need to see some sort of character from her besides “sexy, mysterious, and  hard.”

Now, let’s think about that plucky little dinner accoutrement: actual salt

Angelina has six children. Yes, most of them are adopted, but as far as I know, her body physically birthed a few of those kids. How is she a bag of bones already? It doesn’t seem  healthy. Furthermore, it’s a little difficult to believe that someone with her build could pull of those stunts in the movie. I know for certain that if I jumped off of a bride onto a moving vehicle, I would splat like a plastic bag of vegetable soup dropped from a ninth  story window.

So how about Angelina eats some food and does some exercise? Or, you could just CGI her into another action movie like in Beowulf– that uncanny valley horror of a film.

I have to admit, I haven’t seen this movie yet, but judging by the trailer, I feel like doing so would be unnecessary. I could just pop in ANY OTHER Angelina Jolie movie and be equally as entertained. Then again, the trailer did make me want to watch it for two reasons:

1) The trailer did do an excellent job of keeping things under wraps. Every time I watch it, I’m highly confused: is she actually innocent? Because honestly, anyone who’s innocent and looks like a 30 year old PTA teacher couldn’t possibly shank someone in an elevator with her shoe.

2) Angelina’s part was actually written for a man. I’m just… I’m just curious how that will affect her portrayal of the part.

So maybe she’ll pull out something special… though I doubt it.

Written by Sally

July 26th, 2010 at 10:46 am

Posted in Uncategorized

The Girlfriend Experience

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You know, I was all prepared to write something terrible about this trailer, but I can’t: it represents the movie with stunning accuracy. The trailer is boring, literal, and sans any sort of dialogue. The best part was the end. Touche, trailer: all of these qualities mirror those of The Girlfriend Experience. And again, kudos to the trailer-maker: he made the fantastic decision of cutting out all the poorly delivered dialogue (which was all of it) out of the the trailer.

It’s not really the movie’s fault, I suppose. I’m sure the makers were thinking, “Hey, Sasha Grey is a great porn star. I bet that talent carries over to legitimate acting!” Poor, poor decision. What’s sad is that this could have been a great movie. A call girl’s personal life is a really interesting concept. It’s actually shocking that the makers of this movie took sex, intrigue, money, and a gorgeous woman, and created something boring.

Really,

Really

Boring.

I sat down to watch this movie a few weeks ago a gaggle of my man friends, all prepared to pant at the screen at the first sign of Sasha Grey’s inevitable nudity. I was fairly interested myself, not in a naked porn star, but in the movie—I figured it would be fun, or at the very least, hilariously bad like Grandma’s Boy or the English-dubbed version of Police Story. Like my friends, who only got to see a brief shot of blurry Sasha Grey body, I was left thoroughly disappointed. The thing was, I couldn’t bring myself to stop watching it. It wasn’t that it was some sort of masochistic, morbid fascination like when people in the Middle Ages used to watch tooth extractions on the street, it was that I kept thinking: “Man… this HAS to get better. SOMETHING has to happen!” But don’t be fooled, folks. NOTHING EVER DOES. There isn’t even a cheap plot twist. There just is no plot.

Of course, it’s possible for this movie to make a positive mark on the world: it would be a great advertisement for why girls shouldn’t become sex workers. “Don’t join the escort industry! Your life will be THIS BORING.”

So please, spare yourself what would be the emptiest 77 minutes (really? Because it felt longer than the extended version of the Lord of the Rings trilogy) of your life, and never watch this movie. Do, however, appreciate how accurate this trailer is. And also appreciate the drummer at the end, who is awesome, and clearly the most talented person in the movie.

Written by Sally

July 21st, 2010 at 5:37 pm

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The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

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"Edward, I've never seen you so positively gleeful!"

All right, so we all know it’s the “in thing” (along with, unfortunately, ironic mustaches and unwashed “my clothes are a sustainable resource” overalls) to make fun of Twilight right now, so before I jump on the “Twilight is so 2008” bandwagon, let me be the first to admit that I liked the books. That’s right. I went there. Of course, I’m a girl, and reading them to me was basically like eating a bowl full of M&Ms—I feel sickened and horribly embarrassed when I’m finished (because, let’s face it, even though Stephanie Meyer fancies herself as some sort of Anne Rice/Jane Austen hybrid, she’s far from it), but during my feeding frenzy, I’m hooked and overjoyed. I therefore expected the movies to be equally as addictive.

Before I went to go see the movie, I couldn’t help but dip my hand into the candy bag and get a glimpse of what I was about to watch. Turns out, it wasn’t a bad trailer: it got me really excited. Of course, since the movies are, aside from being entertaining to laugh AT, horrible, it got me excited for rather unconventional reasons:

1)      I suspected that Kristen Stewart would go blind

Now that would be a great subplot. Besides, how could she not? Apparently all she does with her boyfriend is spend days lying out in absurdly beautiful fields surrounded by perfect purple flowers while he glows. And if his diamond skin doesn’t burn off her retinas, what about Taylor Lautner’s abs? Jesus! Evidently his contract includes the phrase, “with each movie, you will be hooked into increasing amounts of nudity.” What did that kid do to get that stomach?! (…his stomach: secretly my greatest impetus to go see this movie)

2)      I wanted to see if Robert Pattinson would have another expression besides “incredible concern”

I’m sorry, I stand corrected. Robert Pattinson has at least two expressions: squinty and aggressively squintier. Of course, in his defense, that’s one more look than Jackson Rathbone has—not once is Jasper shown without the challenging facial expression of “really, really intense.”

3)      I was certain that Dakota Fanning would do something impressive

I mean, she has to. Why else would she be there? You know what’s ridiculous? Dakota Fanning requested to be in this movie. Really, Dakota Fanning? You were quite a good little actress, even in that awful movie Uptown Girls. And now you’re older (yet still in that age where we all remember you as an eight year old and guys can’t think you’re hot because that’s creepy) and you request to do Twilight? You can do better than that.

4)      …was that just who I thought it was?

Good job, trailer, wayta include a glimpse of Bryce Dallas Howard, who, as we saw in M. Night Shymalan’s last decent movie (nothing was worse than Avatar: The Last Airbender), The Village, is also a decent actress! Touche, Twilight franchise: switching it up by including a couple of legitimately talented people to balance out Kristen Stewart’s perpetually bored-looking “I’m so over this whole being famous thing” persona.

So I guess what this means is the Twilight Saga is finally trying attract the non-freshly pubescent girl population with some attempts at good acting. Hmm…

Written by Sally

July 19th, 2010 at 5:02 pm

Posted in Uncategorized